There are three things that I can’t shut up about lately- 1. My problems (sorry friends); 2. God’s grace; and 3. the Holy Spirit. I think I currently like to talk about these things so much so that it is annoying.
I’ve often found Christians annoying. They seem to always be struggling through something and dragging other people into their mess or making things complicated and uncomfortable. Over the years, I’ve often fallen into the trap of thinking I can logic my way through my issues, that the world is not that complex, that you just have to be smart and shut up/suck it up. I am a very capable and confident young woman, with strong mental well-being- meaning I don’t always necessarily feel an overt need for God (ironic since He’s the giver and molder of those characteristics in me). I live a good life, I love others, and I’m involved in the church. The ebb and flow of the Christian walk has been ever present in my life. My faith has always been important to me- even when I went through an extended season of doubt, it was important to me to seek and find answers. For that I am truly grateful- that the Holy Spirit has been consistently pursuing my heart and not letting me settle for less than what God desires for me. In the past month, I’ve been grappling with who the Holy Spirit is and the role He plays in my faith. Allow me to explain more…
About a month ago, God asked me to give up one of the best things in my life. Something I believed was a beautiful gift from God and was in constant prayer about. Giving it up was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt as though I was Abraham, being asked to surrender Isaac (now if only God would just say, “just kidding- just go sacrifice a ram,” haha). God had been nudging me in the direction of sacrificing this part of my life for a while before I actually did it. It was through a life-changing event that he gave me the big push I needed to do it. (Sorry for the vagueness, but most people who know me can probably piece together what I mean by this). The response from so many of my family and friends was “I’m proud of you.” This was honestly not my favourite thing to here in the moment, since I was deeply heartbroken.
In the case of Abraham and Isaac, God said “Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son” (Genesis 22: 12). I have to trust God and believe that He is proud of me for the sacrifice I made, that He has greater things in store for me, and that He will use this part of my life for good. However, it is not something I have come to know or feel as of yet (I could rant about the difference between knowing and feeling, but I’ll save that for another day). That’s hard to admit. I’ve made this huge decision, have suffered greatly for it, and have reaped little to no reward as of yet. I’d love to be able to say that God’s peace which surpasses all understanding and the assurance of His love and grace have made this all easy to deal with, and that I have fully surrendered my life to Him now that I did what He asked me to. Don’t get me wrong, my faith in Christ and the assurance of His goodness has been a comfort in the back of my mind, and I fully believe He is working for my good. But this past month has sucked. I am in a season of anxiety which is physically draining, and I am still not completely convinced that the decision I made was the best one. It still doesn’t make sense why God would allow me to experience something so good just to have to give it up. I’ve also made a lot of mistakes and have been weak in dealing with the aftermath. In some ways, I feel like these mistakes almost nullify the initial sacrifice.
I question if my life is truly any different than before I made this big sacrifice. I press into my relationship with Jesus more intentionally now because I feel helpless, and because I need His help to deal with the anxiety I’m experiencing. But are my actions any different than before? I talk the talk more for sure- people tend to be impressed by my faith based on my words. I do talk about Jesus and Holy Spirit more, but am I walking the walk any more intentionally? It feels like I’m not. I try to spend more time in scripture, in prayer, listening to worship music, worshipping through music, etc. But it seems to be for selfish reasons- I want peace and comfort, I want distractions. Occasionally I am capable of letting go of my things and focusing on others who are struggling and pouring into them- but I did all of this before too. So here is a paradox between wanting to know God, the most selfless being, and feeling like those desires are sometimes selfish. Still haven’t figured that one out, but I am patiently awaiting the guidance from the Holy Spirit and am trusting that He will reveal to me what I need to change in my heart and in my actions. The beauty of it is that God knows the posture of our hearts, and that He loves us the same no matter how messed up we are.
I hate that it takes a season of crap and anxiety for me to desire a fully surrendered relationship with God. Not that I don’t love Him and seek Him when things are good, but I tend to rely on my own strength a lot of time and hold on to the things that are comfortable. I want to truly know God, to truly share in His desires, to truly see people like He sees them. My all-time favourite passage speaks to this:
“But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ- yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3: 7-14
So, this is me once again talkin’ the talk in an effort to figure out how to walk the walk. I am trusting that God is using me in ways that I am not in control of in the meantime. If you’ve made it through this whole blog post, wow. I’m impressed. My written ramblings may not make sense, but for me it is an exercise in making sense of my even less cohesive thoughts. There is no beautiful moral of the story or convincing conclusion, but I leave you with this beautiful song lyric stuck in my head:
“Perfect submission, all is at rest. I in my Savior am happy and blessed. Watching and waiting, looking above. Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.”
Jody Talkin' 